The Lost Pages

July 4, 2008

During the initial battles of the Revolutionary War it became clear to General George Washington that the vastly outnumbered American forces would need an edge to catapult them to victory.  So to this end he asked me, the finest inventor of our age, to build special weapons for use in the war.  Though the weapons turned the tide against the British, they were too powerful to be left unchecked.  The devices were destroyed. The files were locked and kept secret in the Department of Defense.  Collected below are what sketches and summaries I was allowed to keep, which now make up the only record of these fantastical machines.

Invention #1:  The Ultifocal Sunbeamer

Design Details: Harnessing my mastery of optics, I created this wooden conveyance that held in a turret on top hundreds of mirrors and focusing lenses.  Using the device I was able to concentrate sunlight into a powerful beam weapon that could decimate enemies at long range, whilst bathing the American troops in a sunny rejuvenating glow.

Invention #2:  Stove Armor

Design Details:  This fashionable and toasty armor was to be worn in battle by a squad leader, who would be responsible for tending the fire contained in its cast-iron belly.  The idea was to provide the troops with a mobile heat source during the cold New England winters.  The fire provided nearly no tactical combat advantage, and tended to give away troop positions to the enemy.  For this reason it never made it out of the test phase.

Invention #3:  The Armonicommander

Design Details:  Based on my glass armonica and the principle of the dog whistle, this unassuming musical instrument could produce high frequency tones that could control and command dogs, wolves, and certain insects.  The intention was to turn the animals against the British, turning their own dogs against them and using the beasts of the forest to drive them out of the States.

Invention #4:  Payne Bringer

Design Details:  I was inspired after a late night at the public house with an especially bombastic Thomas Payne to design this little darling. In practice it was to be a small explosive device that upon detonation would cover the British troops in libertarian writings concocted by Mr. Payne along with a special “restorative” concocted by John Adams’ cousin, Samuel.  The potent combination of fiery anti-monarchist rhetoric and high-octane suds would cause the King’s army to lay down their weapons and join in the revolution.

Invention #5: The Irony Engine

Design Details:  Being a lover and scholar of all things literary, I managed through my scientific research with ‘Poor Richard’s Almanack,’ (which most laypeople misinterpreted as a human interest magazine) to find the elemental force of irony in the universe.  After years of study I was able to weaponize it and created perhaps my most deadly invention ever, The Irony Engine.  But, so terrified of the possible ramifications was I that I never turned it on.  It was locked in storage and buried away for years.  Researching this online (it’s such a fantastic thing to be alive years after your own death) I found that eventually it surfaced at private auction years after my death.  The purchaser, of whom I could not find the identity, claimed to have only turned it on once, on July 4^th, 1826.  It is believed that this led to the deaths of Thomas Jefferson and John Adams within a few hours of its activation, with Adams last words “Thomas Jefferson lives” purporting to be the evidence for this.  Most researchers in the Military/Literary field point out that this is probably just coincidence and not irony, but that it’s very difficult to tell one from the other.

Comments (1) for "Ben Franklin’s War: The Secr...

These weopons sound like a little kid had made them, the armonacommandor?!? either ben jamin franklin was a nutt case or you guys are making it up, i really want a site that tells me everything that i need to know about ben franklin, how he served the revolutionary war, and all that stuff. Because it's very important that i know. STOVE ARMOR, im dead seriouse, ben was a nuttcase or you guys have no CLUE what your talking about. Im saying this because your just making yourselves look like freaks who dont know i clue. I know you do, so say something FACTUAL Thank you, Maggie(: By Maggie - 10/1/2008 4:18 AM