During the initial battles of the Revolutionary War it became clear to General George Washington that the vastly outnumbered American forces would need an edge to catapult them to victory.So to this end he asked me, the finest inventor of our age, to build special weapons for use in the war.Though the weapons turned the tide against the British, they were too powerful to be left unchecked.The devices were destroyed. The files were locked and kept secret in the Department of Defense.Collected below are what sketches and summaries I was allowed to keep, which now make up the only record of these fantastical machines.
Invention #1: The Ultifocal Sunbeamer
Design Details: Harnessing my mastery of optics, I created this wooden conveyance that held in a turret on top hundreds of mirrors and focusing lenses.Using the device I was able to concentrate sunlight into a powerful beam weapon that could decimate enemies at long range, whilst bathing the American troops in a sunny rejuvenating glow.
Invention #2: Stove Armor
Design Details:This fashionable and toasty armor was to be worn in battle by a squad leader, who would be responsible for tending the fire contained in its cast-iron belly.The idea was to provide the troops with a mobile heat source during the cold New England winters.The fire provided nearly no tactical combat advantage, and tended to give away troop positions to the enemy.For this reason it never made it out of the test phase.
Invention #3:The Armonicommander
Design Details:Based on my glass armonica and the principle of the dog whistle, this unassuming musical instrument could produce high frequency tones that could control and command dogs, wolves, and certain insects. The intention was to turn the animals against the British, turning their own dogs against them and using the beasts of the forest to drive them out of the States.
Invention #4:Payne Bringer
Design Details:I was inspired after a late night at the public house with an especially bombastic Thomas Payne to design this little darling. In practice it was to be a small explosive device that upon detonation would cover the British troops in libertarian writings concocted by Mr. Payne along with a special “restorative” concocted by John Adams’ cousin, Samuel.The potent combination of fiery anti-monarchist rhetoric and high-octane suds would cause the King’s army to lay down their weapons and join in the revolution.
Invention #5: The Irony Engine
Design Details:Being a lover and scholar of all things literary, I managed through my scientific research with ‘Poor Richard’s Almanack,’ (which most laypeople misinterpreted as a human interest magazine) to find the elemental force of irony in the universe.After years of study I was able to weaponize it and created perhaps my most deadly invention ever, The Irony Engine.But, so terrified of the possible ramifications was I that I never turned it on.It was locked in storage and buried away for years.Researching this online (it’s such a fantastic thing to be alive years after your own death) I found that eventually it surfaced at private auction years after my death.The purchaser, of whom I could not find the identity, claimed to have only turned it on once, on July 4th, 1826.It is believed that this led to the deaths of Thomas Jefferson and John Adams within a few hours of its activation, with Adams last words “Thomas Jefferson lives” purporting to be the evidence for this.Most researchers in the Military/Literary field point out that this is probably just coincidence and not irony, but that it’s very difficult to tell one from the other.
I recently watched a film about an eccentric inventor living a debauched and decadent lifestyle whilst simultaneously redefining modern technology.No, it wasn’t another biopic about me, but Iron Man, a delightful story apparently based on a cartoon serial of some sort.Impressed by the state of modern film technology, I did a bit of research and was shocked to find that although many people are ultimately responsible for the modern motion picture, one name was conspicuously absent from its history.Mine, naturally.
“But Ben,” you’ll say, “surely not.Film wasn’t invented until nearly a hundred years after your death.”To which I say piffle, posh, mummery, and poppy-cock.Nobody had invented the car before I created the odometer, no one had even thought to go scuba diving when I invented swim fins, and the plastic icing packet wasn’t invented until long after my death, but that didn’t stop me from inventing the toaster strudel (this I have never been properly credited for either, but I digress).I simply made good use of the items that were available to me, not the least of which being my own considerable intelligence.
Though John Barnes Linnet is credited with patenting the flipbook in 1868, I don’t need to tell you at this point that I’d come up with something fairly similar myself back in my day.I had also deduced that still images when viewed in rapid succession with slight alterations would appear to move.Initial tests proved extremely successful, but I became frustrated by the short form that these small bundles forced my storytelling into.I started to look for ways to extend the length that they could be.
My first and I should preface this by saying “extremely preliminary” idea was a flipbook 30 feet high.This was ultimately not constructed because while the concept was sound, it would be impossible to flip.
My next idea was to mount the drawings along a road going out from Boston.That way people could simply watch the movie whilst traveling from city to city.The problems with this were twofold.First, while the images did seem to move if viewed from a horse-drawn cart, the speed at which the frames had to be viewed required the horse to be kept at a full gallop.The second reason is the same that leads some cities to ban talking on a cellular phone while driving.Apparently watching moving pictures whilst driving a horse cart at full gallop along a road will more often that not result in a multiple cart pile-up or a wagon ending up in a ditch.
My final idea was to solve all these problems.A long rail system was built down a mountain.Starting at the top of a tall mountain one would ride a cart down, freeing one from the problems of steering or maintaining speed.The cart would be loaded with actors from the local playhouse who would provide the voices for the scenes depicted in the pictures.As usual I ran into some difficulties.In order to be viewed properly the images had to be much larger and the cart speed had to be much faster.The increased speed caused the actors, who turned out to be made of fairly flimsy stuff, to adlib lines in place of the actual dialog.This led to a lot of my (in my opinion quite brilliant and witty) script to be left out completely, leading the passengers/audience to wonder why the Countess Dubois should say to her proposing English suitor the handsome Lord Maxwell Thomas things like “this infernal machine will surely crash and kill us all!”Quite disruptive to the performance, as you might imagine.
I am willing to concede that in the long line of inventions this is not one of my better ones.Ultimately it was an overblown budgetary fiasco that completely disappointed audiences and ruined the careers of all actors involved.In that way I also invented the blockbuster flop.Oh, don’t get me started…
As you may know, I like to keep my foot in the world of inventing. Whilst perusing my blogroll I noticed that some fellow named Steve Jobs kept popping up. “Who is this beturtlenecked man?” I asked myself. Little did I know he and his company Apple have been taking credit for a device I invented in the eighteenth century!Oh sure, they may have slicked up the presentation a bit, but there’s no doubting that the iPod is based directly on something I liked to call Ben Franklin’s Musical Module.
Ben Franklin’s Musical Module (or mMod) wasn’t as flashy or as sleek as the iPod, but it certainly got the job done.The concept was simple: a songbird encased in a metal box with a bit of tubing connecting the box to the ears.That way a person could enjoy the sounds of a songbird whilst not imposing on those around him on the street.Sound familiar at all, Steve?
At any rate, I thought it was rather clever, but initial experiments were a failure.In soundproofing the box I had neglected to give the bird any way to breathe.I went through several prototypes before I discovered that error.
My next idea was for an accordion that pumped the air (again through tubing) directly into the ear for the user’s enjoyment.This solved many of the limitations of the first design.For one, the number of songs it could play grew from one or two, to nearly limitless.The only limitations in that regard, was the memory/creativity of the user, as well as their capacity for withstanding polka (I must admit to being rather limited in this regard myself).
Problems arose when the first three test subjects went completely deaf in less than 10 minutes.The remaining test subjects eventually went mad and had to be locked away in the asylum where they gibbered incoherently and hummed snatches of “The Beer Barrel Polka” for hours on end.
So no, I’m not getting credit for the iPod.A friend of mine tried to cheer me up by pointing out that I’m on the hundred dollar bill, which is nothing to sneeze at.Of course he’s right, but on the other hand it takes three of me to buy one iPod Touch.
Welcome to the lost pages of the notebook of Ben Franklin. As an inventor and thinker I kept a notebook with me almost all the time, in order to record notions I had of fantastical devices. Before I started carrying this notebook I had to make do with whatever spare bits of parchment were lying around, or the backs of coasters.
I was thumbing through it recently while watching TechTV (yes, I am what you ungraciously might call a "geek") and I happened to notice that many of my ideas that seemed so impractical in the past have been co-opted by inventor-come-latelys of the present! It's not their fault. I was incredibly brilliant. And since I was one of the people who lobbied against the patent I suppose I have no one but myself to blame.
It is my intention in these posts to show that in addition to inventing just about everything useful in the 16th and 17th Century, I'm more or less responsible for everything from the dot com boom to the George Foreman Grill.
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, no one had even thought to go scuba diving when I invented 
